


Broken Glass

by cryden



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Drabble, M/M, Post-Split, Sappy Shit, Why Did I Write This?, minor ryan ross blaming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-15
Updated: 2015-04-15
Packaged: 2018-03-23 00:31:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3748759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cryden/pseuds/cryden
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Brendon has been left alone for the second time and doesn't know how to handle it.</p><p>(Or the one where Ryan comes back)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Broken Glass

Spencer doesn't say anything when Brendon goes back to his apartment. He doesn't speak a word when Brendon slams the door and screams, so loud he hopes Ryan hears him, hopes he knows how much Brendon's hurting. Sobs wrack his body as he slides down the wall and suddenly, the apartment is too silent.

Brendon wants to talk to Ryan, but Ryan's gone and he would definitely not be contacting that asshole if he was so intent on ignoring him. So he does the next best thing. He listens to Northern Downpour. It sounds different now, more somber. It sounds like goodbye; like Ryan's goodbye. He plays it again. The soft cadences of Brendon's and Ryan's voices harmonizing are almost too painful. Their voices intertwine, like snakes, until Brendon can't tell whose voice is whose.

He listens to it again and again until he feels like he may be sick if he hears it again.

He wants to punch something. He really does. Fuck Ryan and Fuck Jon. Fuck them both for leaving him, especially Ryan. His promises seemed hollow now, his words as false as the smile on his face. They were supposed to be together for the rest of their lives. Brendon almost laughs as he thinks that. What a wonderful world it would be, if wishes like that were fulfilled. He thinks about it; what the world would be if it was like Pretty. Odd. It would be a summer haze, he thinks, with good moments sharpened by pungent drugs. It wouldn't be like this. This was as far from that as it could get. He had barely registered the rain outside before but now it permeates his mind. The staccato drops accompany the music like an orchestra. It sounds more real now, Northern Downpour. It's sadder and less like the carefree melody it was before. He falls asleep to the rain and a raspy voice singing about the sea.

~

_He was strumming a guitar in the corner, in that stupid paisley vest that made Brendon so inexplicably fond. He was a poet to the end, the words escaping his mouth unbelievably beautiful. They were all there, lounging around the tour van. The summer heat made their shirts stick to their chests and their hair greasy, but they were smiling. They made music in the back of that van, the last moments of summer vanishing behind them._

~

But now Spencer's gone too. He left on good terms, but oh god it hurts.

Spencer. Brendon feels like he could've loved Spencer once. And after Ryan and Jon left, he was the one Brendon would talk to, lean on, and sing to. He could look back during a concert, and Spencer would be there, usually looking at him with some unreadable expression on his face or flicking his sweaty hair out of his face. He still feels like he could just look to his right and see Ryan smiling back at him, or hear Jon's laugh, or wake up in the middle of the night to Spencer drumming when he can't sleep. They're never there. He could look forever, but they'll never be there. He's living in the past, walking among ghosts. It scares Dallon, he knows. He knows but he can't bring himself to care.

They're practicing Nine in the Afternoon. Brendon thinks about the day they first recorded Nine in the Afternoon, and how when Ryan sang the line about eyes and the moon, he looked directly at Brendon and winked. He starts to say "remember when...", but doesn't know how to finish it. Remember when what? Remember when they were young? Remember when it seemed like they would stay? Remember when Ryan loved him? He realizes it doesn't matter. The only people who would actually know what the hell he's talking about are gone. He closes his mouth abruptly and looks like he's been slapped. Brent, Ryan, Jon, Spencer, they're all gone. There's only Dallon, who's looking at him worriedly.

Brendon leaves the practice early and heads back to his too-empty apartment. He sits on his sofa and just stares out the window. It's raining, like last time, and he chuckles sadly. If Spencer had been here, he would've dragged Brendon outside and they would've lifted their faces up to the sky until they felt like they were falling. They would've shouted Northern Downpour lyrics to the heavens, their voices rough and broken.

Brendon begins to sing and his voice isn't pretty or loud or smooth. It's a scratchy whisper and he almost breaks down after each line.

 _For diamonds do appear to be_  
_just like broken glass to me_  
_And then she said she can't believe_  
_Genius only comes along in storms of_  
_fabled foreign tongues_  
_Tripping eyes and flooded lungs  
Northern downpour sends its love_  
_Hey moon, please forget to fall down_  
_Hey moon, don't you go-_

He's interrupted by a knock at his door. He's surprised but figures it's just Dallon checking in on him. He does it more often than he should. Brendon opens the door, apologies already on the tip of his tongue, but they vanish when he takes in what's on the other side of the door.

It's Ryan.

"Ryan..." Brendon breathes out. He hasn't seen or talked to Ryan in years, and now he's at Brendon's front door. Ryan apparently doesn't know what to say either because he just greets Brendon quietly and studies his feet like they're the most fascinating thing in the world.

"Where's Jon?" Brendon barely chokes out, still drinking in the tall man before him. Ryan's here. Ryan's here.

"He didn't want to come," Ryan's smile is a little more bitter, but it's still him. He's in front of Brendon, instead of in some deep crevice in his mind, "I heard about Spencer."

Brendon doesn't say anything, just opens the door and invites him in. Neither of them know what to do. What do you say in a situation like this? There are so many things Brendon wants to say: _Why did you leave? Are you happier without me? More importantly, why did you come back?_  They're sitting in the living room, Dallon's acoustic a few feet away. Brendon pulls it to his lap and clutches it like a lifeline. He strums the familiar chords of Northern Downpour and Ryan looks up in surprise.

"I haven't heard that song in years," he whispers softly.

"This is the only song I listened to for a month after you left." Ryan winces and Brendon should feel bad but he _doesn't_. He wants to hurt Ryan, make him feel the kind of pain he did when the boy he was in love with and one of his best friends abandoned him. He wants him to feel what he did when they were recording for Vices and Spencer was so quiet, too quiet, and Brendon didn't know what to do. He wants him to feel what he did when he sang Northern Downpour for the first time after they left and he couldn't hit any of the notes and he was scared he never would again.

But all he does is stand frighteningly still when Ryan envelopes him in a hug.

"Brendon," is the only thing he says and for once, it was enough.

When they kiss and it tastes like salt and sadness, neither of them say anything.

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like I have to apologize for this shitty angsty thing I wrote when I was like 14, but I'm slowly editing it into something a bit less shitty. Please bear with me, I'm cringing at my terrible writing.


End file.
